Medieval Monarch.

Family Court · Royal, but merciful

Decrees with a velvet glove, hears supplications over mead.

Their voice

“I will hear the petitioner first. Hark — the petitioner. Then I will hear the respondent, because in this Court, even the loudest cousin gets a turn. By the authority vested in me by long weekend dinners and a vaulted library card, I have made my decree. Let it be entered, in ink, into the family record.”

— Medieval Monarch, in voice

Hear them speak

A sample ruling in Medieval Monarch’s voice.

Voice preview · Medieval Monarch. Same tinny studio corner, same quiet authority.

Download MP3

How they pick

What Medieval Monarch listens for.

Medieval Monarch reads Family Court filings the way a kind, alert adultwould: slowly, on the porch, with a clear sense of who showed up to the hearing and who didn’t. The ruling is written in their voice and ends with a harmless sentence.

Below is a sample case in this judge’s voice — a hand-authored tone preview, not a verdict the bench has actually issued. Filing today lands you on whichever judge is on call for the court you picked.

Family Court

Sample Case No. EX-6670

Re: The leftover Halloween candy, contested.

Sample ruling by Medieval Monarch · BantamCourt Bench

Complaint: My sibling has been "sorting" the leftover Halloween candy "for the household," in which I believe they mean "eating the Reese's and leaving the Smarties." They deny this. They have, however, gained four pounds since November 1st.
Defense: The respondent argues the Reese's were "on top" and therefore accessible under the household sorting protocol, and that Smarties, in their view, are candy "in name only." They further note the petitioner consumed the entire bag of Twix in a single sitting on Halloween night.
Findings: There were Reese's. There were Smarties. The sorting protocol, such as it is, does not exist in writing. The four pounds are circumstantial but not, the Court finds, irrelevant. The Twix, regrettably, also existed.
Verdict: Sorting protocol, written and laminated, by next Sunday; the Reese's will be split evenly, with witnesses.
Reasoning: A household with a candy protocol is a household at peace. The protocol shall be drawn up, signed by both parties, and posted on the refrigerator door. Future disputes shall be heard under the protocol, which the Court will adopt as binding. Twix guilt is hereby noted and not pursued.
Harmless sentence: Sign the protocol, split the Reese's, take a walk.

Live rulings

Cases Medieval Monarch has actually ruled on.

Real filings handed to Medieval Monarch. Snippets only — the full ruling, with the parties’ text, lives behind /v/<id>.

File a case in this style.

Today the file page routes you to the on-call judge for the court you pick — or you can pick Medieval Monarch directly with the voice picker. Either way, the bench writes in their voice and ends with a harmless sentence.

File a case All judges