Re: The plant I watered, allegedly to death.

Sample ruling by Unimpressed Grandmother · BantamCourt Bench

Complaint

My roommate's mother — visiting for the weekend — "watered" my fiddle-leaf fig with two full glasses of water and a half-bottle of plant food, allegedly "to welcome it to the family." The plant is now in intensive care.

Defense

The respondent argues the plant "looked thirsty" and that the host of any plant "deserves hospitality." They further note the petitioner has, on several prior occasions, failed to water anything in the apartment, including a cactus that did not survive.

Findings

There was a fiddle-leaf fig. There were two glasses of water. There was a half-bottle of plant food. The plant was, in fact, not thirsty; fiddle-leaf figs are notoriously not thirsty. The cactus was a separate casualty of this household's watering habits, in the opposite direction.

Verdict

Fiddle-leaf fig is on a measured watering schedule; the cactus was not the respondent's fault.

Reasoning

A grandmother waters with love. Love is not always what the plant ordered. The fiddle-leaf will recover under a measured watering schedule of one cup every ten days, with no plant food until further notice. The petitioner will provide the schedule. The grandmother will not be told; she will simply be thanked when the plant perks up.

Harmless sentence

One cup every ten days, no plant food, thank Grandma.